All the time in the world

Visiting the chemist’s yesterday, playing on the store radio was that soft-focus Phil Collins’ cover of the Supremes ‘You Can’t hurry love’.  Collins, while tolerable in Genesis, becomes exceedingly irritating when solo and, for this number, somehow I imagined him having toilet trouble.  Renamed ‘Constipated Phil Collins’, I composed a rewrite that he should be singing, in 2003 whilst I lived and studied in Finland and emailed it to a friend back at Canterbury University and while both our college accounts have now been disbanded, I have made an effort to recreate what went before, after being reminded of those headier times.  The chorus line is indelibly carried on at my convenience when Mr Collins receives a royalty in earshot of myself.

I need to dump, dump,

Ooh, ease my mind,

And I need to find time,

Shouldn’t have had that pie.

My mama said:

You can’t hurry poo,

No, you’ll just have to wait.

Shit don’t come easy,

But it’s a game of give (nnnhh) and take.

You can’t hurry poo,

No, you just have to wait.

Just trust in a good time,

No matter how long it takes.

How many colon-aches must I stand,

Before evacuating my bowels is no longer banned?

Right now the only thing that keeps me hanging on,

When I feel my sphincter, ooh, it’s almost gone,

I remember mama said:

You can’t hurry poo,

No, you’ll just have to wait.

Shit don’t come easy,

It’s a game of give (nnnhh) and take.

How long must I wait,

How much more can I take

Before faecal matter

Causes my colon to break?

No, I can’t bear to live my life flatulently,

I grow impatient for a laxative to call my own,

But when I feel that I, I can’t go on,

Well, these precious words keep me hanging on,

I remember mama said:

You can’t hurry poo,

No, you’ll just have to wait.

She said shit don’t come easy,

Well, it’s a game of give (nnnhh) and take.

You can’t hurry poo,

No, you’ll just have to wait.

Just trust in a good time,

No matter how long it takes, now break (aahhh)!

Now excrement don’t come easy,

But I keep on waiting,

Constipated,

For that pharmacy I can reach all night,

For some tender liquid

To flush me right.

I keep waiting,

Ooh, in agony.

It ain’t easy (poo don’t come easy).

No, you know it ain’t easy.

My mama said:

You can’t hurry poo,

No, you’ll just have to wait.

Shit don’t come easy,

It’s a game of give (nnnhh) and take.

You can’t hurry poo,

Think of my diarrhoea ,

What a mess was the loo,

Not to mention the urea!