The disposables, dispensables, etc.

After the decent The Expendables 2, I defied the naysayers and thought the good progress would be continued by the latest in the franchise.  But The Expendables 3 was a big disappointment, reverting to type for sequels - it was as if even the makers were bored of the concept and couldn't be bothered anymore, as evidenced by the continuity errors (e.g. in a bar, a graze above the left temple of Christmas (Jason Statham) is clearly visible, next moment he walks out of the bar and his entire forehead is as right as rain).  Even the new boy Harrison Ford, phones in his performance (landline, natch).
On a high conceptual level and basic narrative, there were many things wrong.  The Austin Powers' metaconcept of all those killed coming from families is briefly covered and then rapidly discarded.  Masses of what looked like fresh-faced nondescript conscripts faced mass slaughter at the hands of our 'heroes'.  Were all these really innately evil and orphans who sacrificed a personal life in favour of the job?  All of them?  More distrubingly, did a seemingly innocent dockworker need to have his throats slit by Doc (Wesley Snipes) - isn't that a war crime?  Continuing with the darker path of The Expendables 3, it is apparently okay to shoot up Mogadishu and be mildly disparaging about Swaziland (real places in Africa) but necessary to create a fictional European country of Asmasistan (despite the suffix -stan, the evil multitudes are all white and recycled after being killed earlier in the film in a different post-Soviet place).  That's queasy to say the least.  Then there was the much hyped gay Arnie and Jet Li which had all the hallmarks of a lazy mainstream tickbox declaration of 'look at me. I'm progressive', yet this plumbed new lows. Unless it's an ultra politically incorrect satire on homosexuals, it's the most slack-jaw, tacked-on depiction of gay people I've ever seen. I wasn't expecting an exploration of the human condition, but they act like it's a bromance rather than a same-sex relationship because being gay is all about wearing loud shirts and hugging other men. Arnie and Jet Li don't even kiss. It really is 1985. Indeed, the film is tacitly homophobic because Barney (Sylvester Stallone) bats away Galgo (Antonio Banderas) from hugging him, so the audience are not confused because the main hero can't possibly be gay.  Facepalm moment.
As for the delivery of the plot, well.  As they mowed down relentless hordes, I kept saying to myself, this is meant to be post-modern, this is meant to be post-modern.  But no matter how arch it was, it just became boring as the human waves died and the heroes escaped not just alive but unscathed - this is acknowledged chief villain Conrad - nice Teutonic name to symbolise his evil - Stonebanks (Mel Gibson) exasperatedly exclaiming how his quarry wasn't even scratched, but with no tension there is no interest.  When people can outrun the cannon on a helicopter gunship, it might be overlooked if it were not for all the other ridiculous escapes.  At least one of the team died in The Expendables 2 and there were consequences.  Even the climatic final fight between Barney and Stonebanks is disappointing.  A few punches, a few roundhouses and then they go for their guns and it's all over.  Plus there was the overall stupidity - with the building rigged with explosives, why did Stonebanks give them 45 seconds to escape?  Why not just detonate instantly?  Okay, there are similar things in James Bond (Goldeneye especially springs to mind) but done with far more style and not done like Alice imagining six impossible things before breakfast.
Was there anything good about this.  Well, it had Robert Davi from Licence to Kill and Die Hard in it, a Latin American playing an Albanian gangster (in keeping with the shoddy nature of this film).  Jason Statham and Kelsey Grammar were the ones playing it as it should be, with Mel Gibson hamming it up nicely too.  Finally a girl was included in Luna (Ronda Rousey) - steam may have run out of this franchise but The Expendabelles is just around the corner.  To paraphrase Auric Goldfinger, I trust they will be more successful.  I like the Bucharest setting at one stage, with the Romanian Arc de Triomphe shown to confuse less well travelled people thinking it to be Paris.  Arnold Schwarzenegger gets to repeat a few of his classic phrases such as 'Get to the chopper' (said with better enunciation but less impact than the original 'get to da choppper') and my favourite line from Commando (albeit in context of the 1980 outing), 'I lied'.  These brief flashes of wit make a valiant attempt to save the movie.
It could have been better but as with the first The Expendables, they forgot the satire.  When knocking over Denzali Prison, dubbed a 'dark prison' by Barney, one of the characters could have said, "Aren't the CIA the only ones that run dark prisons?"  No, that would be controversial for an offering where one could note where the advert breaks would be when it comes out on television.  Not good enough for two out of five but enough saving graces to lift it above one out of five.  Even three out of ten sounds generous but I have a high tolerance threshold for crud so I'll let the score stand at that.