Incinerated

In advance publicity of the reviving of Birds of a Feather on ITV early in the New Year, Lawrence Marks has gone rather off-message in chronicling his fights with television executives.  One of his gripes was a line where one of the characters called another 'Australian' for being drunk, something the execs felt was 'racial stereotyping'.  Marks was incensed that this was censored yet other ITV content was so effusive in profanity that the air was blue enough to be mined as ersatz lapis lazuli  escaped condemnation.  Marks was right to be indignant - it may not be funny, but it is could only cause the mildest of offence ('Scouser' also fell foul of the ITV code).
The association of the Aussie and his 'tinnies' is well-worn, something much transmitted during cricket matches where heat, dehydration and virulent anti-Pom attitudes create bear-pits when England are the tourists.  It takes a particular kind of mentality from England to triumph in such conditions.  The current crop do not cut it.
Frankly it was ridiculous scheduling having The Ashes just five months after the last showdown and the English organisers who agreed to this should be ashamed of their brazen commercialism to the detriment of the national side, but the English Cricket Board have brass necks of enormous breadth.  Alastair Cook is a lacklustre captain, suffering like most England captains from a drop in batting totals while being totally deficient in knowing how to rouse obvious qualities from his team.  The fact that, prior to this tour, he had won more test matches than he had lost was testament to the ability of those around him to dig England out of holes of their own making.  That trick works only so many times.  Even in the promotion posters for the second round of Ashes 2013, whereas Australian captain Michael Clarke showed angry determination, Cook exuded smug complacency.
When a list of England's exhaustive dietary requirements was leaked to the Australian media, the obscurely refined nature of much of the menu was held up as to the effeminate poshness of the England team, as if the Australian cricketeers subsist on sausages and baked beans.  But England have done nothing to dispel this image by their naive selections and tactics.  When arrogance mixes with mediocrity, no amount of mung-bean curry can rectify the inevitable rubbish produced.
England won this summer 3-0 almost by default, producing only one great performance at Lords and then scraping by in the rest.  It put talk of beating the Aussies 5-0 here and by the same score Down Under into the shade and gave Team Australia (not that great a team in all honesty, yet inspired because it is England they are against) the confidence boost they needed.  Australia are already 3-0 up after just three tests and have regained The Ashes.  Now England need to avoid the miserable humiliation of seven years ago.  Peter Oborne suggested dropping the petulant, undisciplined 'stars' and playing the youngsters to bed them down for the future.  If England win or draw the first of the remaining two dead rubbers, then yes for the fifth test but it is now all about avoiding the dreaded 'w' calamity.  Unlike Cook, Clarke won't take his foot off the accelerator.  England may have to hope for a monsoon in the Australian summer.