Message in a bottle on the seas of time.

Last week, Sir Elton Hercules John listed ten things that he likes at 50 that he didn’t like when he was 25 and the ‘Today’ programme enjoined listeners to contribute their lists should they have sufficient perspective. Being only 28, not many items that were mentally verboten at 25 have seen their restrictions lifted. But earlier this year, Reginald Kenneth Dwight engaged some celebrity friends to participate with him in a project of catharsis, by writing a letter to their 16 year-old selves. It could be heartfelt as in John’s case or flippant as with Peter Kay. Given the most recent exercise is not so appropriate to my age, a gap of twelve years is a significant chunk of life and it does get you thinking about how you would have dealt with certain issues differently; as memory is an imperfect record of history, this also reflects on where you see yourself now in how you handle issues as you remember them. Youth may indeed be wasted on the young, but, by the same measure, experience is wasted on the elderly.

Hello Alex,
Hmm, how should I begin? Well, this isn’t your average correspondence on your birthday but it may (or, possibly, may not) be the best present you will get today. Slipping the leashes of time and risking all the dangers of paradox, I, that is you, have sent word from the future – 2010 to be precise. You may be thinking why ruin the thrill of finding out what life brings? That’s as may be, but for the next two years, little will go right apart from growing up and even then maturity will be elusive.
You are not as unattractive as you think you are and have been made out to be. Your current circumstances are not what life is like, indeed far from it. Over the next two years, many people will seek to do you down – unjustly – do not let their hubris become your nemesis. It is not an accurate depiction of who you are and though the cruelty may be directed at you from different people in different groups, these people do not represent a true cross-section of society in general. Remember, they are immature as well. The best way to ignore the jibes is to treat them as lies.
Despite the burden of abuse others try to saddle you with, there are some girls who want to be in a relationship with you. As this is not a real private letter, I will not name names, but suffice to say what you dismiss as tricks of the mind or the light are indeed real. You don’t acknowledge this yet because you have been conditioned to see yourself in the worst possible light. They will not necessarily be better off pairing up with another boy. Moreover, if a member of the fairer sex passes on her devotion to you via a proxy, it is not false, nor is it a temporary loss of reason. Don’t puff yourself up with pride on reading this, but by the same token don’t brood that you are worthless should your ideas not go as you had thought. And play it smooth and by that I do not mean ambivalent, which can be just as bad as being overly effusive. Rather, invite them out to somewhere low-key, such as café or the cinema and take it from there. After all, you want to do things with them – that’s the point of a relationship. One final pointer on this subject – should it go the way of the pear, don’t take it too badly; this is a time of experimentation for everyone at this stage of life. Give it, maximum, a month of mourning and then move on.
With regard to invasive qustions about your persoanl life, don't feel the need to answer your inquisitors as fulsomely as possible out of politeness. Instead, rebuke them with "Think what you want to think," for, have no fear, they will, irrespective of your comments.
On the other tack, don’t be rude for the sake of being rude – it may seem funny and may induce laughter from others, but it can deeply hurtful, as you full well know. You’re not alone. Children developing their sense of humour often grab for the easiest verbal tools available, but being offensive because you can is not the way forward. Even if it looks like a handy defence mechanism to employ, it should only be used in that capacity and sparingly. Along similar lines, don’t guy your English (or indeed any other) teachers with facetious essays. You will only get marked down, receiving credit for ‘slick writing’ and nothing else. Slick writing is not enough. It needs to be used to marshal an argument. Using a word processor to type out your essays will help too, instead of persisting with handwriting.
Read the texts in your subjects. Read around them as well – your parents are paying for those geography and economic magazines, so put them to good use.
Take five disciplines for A-Level, there is nothing wrong with that, as long as you don’t shirk your responsibilities to do yourself proud. Of course, you can pass by doing next to nothing but that really isn’t good enough and will inculcate bad practices for university.
Similarly, don’t stay up to two in the morning or later on weekdays – you’ll have plenty of time to be fragged the next day at university, but sometimes with opportunities to have a lie-in as well. This means you will regulate your sleeping patterns and not always have to go to bed in the afternoon after school. Try to cut down on television – it is not as must-see as you think and you will stop watching Eastenders in the year 2001, so why not regain your time by starting three years early?
In your university choices, do take a year out and do go for the University of Kent. Other universities may provide the same, but you will meet a group of people who will reaffirm your faith in human beings and yourself and nail the mistaken impression that what you are experiencing is all there is.
Spend as much time with the cats that grew up with you, especially Hanny. If she steps on your papers in your room, so be it because you’ll miss her when she’s gone. You’ll value the time that you spent together in the years after. This applies to humans too, but your first coming to terms with the death of a loved one will be the pets.
One final thing – you were right in your subconscious, things will get better.

Take care and let’s see if I feel better in twelve years time.

Your older self.